When You're Feeling Alone and Unappreciated

By the time many partners pick up this book, they will have tried many ways to mend the
relationship. Despite the effort, they feel un- appreciated, taken for granted, or even
unloved. They can't seem to get off square one.

Having succeeded in staying together is often a sign that there is love in the relationship.
Even if it feels like the flame has gone out, it can be reignited. One of the keys to
reigniting love is knowing that we need to give love as much as we need to get it.
Simply by be- ginning to give love andÑthis is importantÑshowing appreciation,
couples find they feel more hopeful. This is the start of the journey home.

Feeling unappreciated is painful. If this is an issue in your relationship, take two separate
sheets of paper to make lists of things that you appreciate about each other and about
the relationship. Is your partner honest, hardworking, dependable, funny, or smart?

Does your relationship give you a feeling of security? Would your partner be there
for you if there was an emergency? It doesnÕt matter how short the list is at first; post
it on the refrigerator and add to it. As each list grows, so will the feeling that you
both possess many qualities worth appreciating and that you are being appreciated
for them. Consider doing this with your closest partners, not just your significant
other. Mothers and daughters can benefit from this book and its exercises as much as
married couples can. To that end, con- sider scanning or copying the exercise sheets
in this book so you can print out copies to fill out for the closest relationships in your life. Of course, there's always the pen and paper route!

Once you and your partner have compiled a list of qualities you appreciate about each
other, set aside ten uninterrupted minutes with your partner in a quiet setting each day for
the next week. During that time, share your list with each otherÑit will grow as time
passes and you add to the list. At first, you may only think of big favors your partner has
done for you that you appreciate, like that he or she drove you to the emergency room.
But as you continue this appreciation exercise throughout the week, you and your partner
will find that you both appreciate each otherÕs little everyday acts and behaviors, like
being on time, cleaning up after dinner, texting or calling while away from each other,
and so on. In time, we recognize just how many things we take for granted and the fact
that we are fixated on our partners' weaknesses. We can then see the degree to which that
fixation undermines our relationships.