There is, of course, no silver bullet here. Once a couple experiencing difficulties has
mastered this appreciation exercise, they must work on other exercises, like those in this
book.

Here's a good one to follow up the list of traits you appreciate about your partner. Create
another list, this time of loving behaviors

Each person in the relationship performs. Add to it over time. When you catch each other
behaving lovingly, draw a star on the list by the corresponding behavior. When you catch
yourself behaving un- lovingly, apologize and don't mark the list. As with the
appreciation exercise, you will notice just how locked in we are when it comes to the
negative aspects of our relationships and how easy it is for us to catch behaviors that are
unloving or that we don't appreciate. If we want to retrain ourselves, we have to become
conscious of this obsession with the negative and move toward catching behaviors that
are loving and positive. This exercise brings out the best in both of you, the parts that you
fell in love with.

The truth is that the love was never dead. It just needed to be nourished. I've compiled
some of my theories on nourishing, loving relationships into nine points, which I
collectively call the Nine Laws of Fulfilling Relationships. You may not understand them
fully until you read through the book, but these principles are so valuable to a relationship
that they warrant being printed out and posted near your bed to inspire you and your
partner to grow closer together. Enjoy the love.

Using the exercises in this book can help relationships in the following ways.

• Learning what love is together will help each of you give it consistently.

• Understanding why being deprived of love causes pain will help you avoid behaving unlovingly.

• Rediscovering your lovable qualities and those of your partner will help you appreciate each other.

• Writing a relationship vision together get any unspoken expectations and anxieties into the open. It will establish that you are a team in full control over the direction and quality of your relationship.

• Practicing communication and listening exercises together will make you more compassionate when discussing difficult or emotionally charged topics.