The Keys to Remain Loving during Conflict

Have you ever seen a reprimanded child cry and reach out to a parent? The instinct in
human beings always says to keep the connection, to keep this loving energy flowing.

Generally speaking, children's love barometers function just fine and they don't want that
energy turned off. Unfortunately, many parentsÑnot to mention siblings, friends, and
schoolmatesÑoften reject these attempts at maintaining the flow of love. We learn that
reaching out during quarrels and being a peacemaker is often unwanted, and as our
instinct to stay connected erodes over time, we prioritize self-preservation. To avoid more
hurt, we cut our emotional losses and begin controlling the impulse to reach out and stay
connected during painful moments.

It's easy to knock heads with someone who always wants to communicate when we need
time to cool off. It's also easy to call others out and claim to be more mature than they are
because we are willing and able to address conflicts right away rather than stew like they
do. But neither of these are unconditionally loving behaviors, and unconditional love is
crucial in times of conflict.

Sit down with your partner (when you're not upset) and acknowledge the differences in
the way you two communicate during conflict. Talk about the importance of staying
connected and make an agreement to be physically connected when communicating by
holding hands, especially when upset. Rather than assuming one person's way of
handling conflict is better, ask each other questions like the following:

• How do you feel when we talk about conflict?

• Do you need time to cool down?

• Do you need space to think?

• Do you need to hold hands or feel affection?

• Do you shut down when thereÕs yelling?

• Do each of you know and understand the otherÕs modus operandi?

• Can you accept each otherÕs modus operandi while committing to move toward the otherÕs way?

Remembering the child within all of us, the part that needs a continuous flow of love,
helps us see the other person with more compassion. We can let go of the pride that
sabotages reconciliation. The exercises that follow are intended to help you get in touch
with how it feels to turn off the flow of love, to give you an opportunity to practice
staying in unconditional mode, and to help you see how the processes can be used in your
relationship to love unconditionally even in upsetting situations. Without doing the
exercises below in a heartfelt manner (and ultimately applying them), no amount of
wisdom or stimulating information will affect your ability to love unconditionally. You
need to practice. The examples will demonstrate the typical ways partners go into
conditional mode with each other. These must be unlearned. What is in the way for most
people is pride, fear, or both. Pride screams, I am right! Fear begs not to be rejected.
Instead, there has to be a desire to stay connected and in unconditional mode.?
There are two effective scenarios you can learn for handling every upsetting situation.
Process A is for when you're the one who's upset or angry. Process B is for when your
partner is upset or angry. These two processes can be applied to a myriad of situations.
You have a chance to practice and learn them by applying them in exercises 1 through 4.
(Remember, reestablishing harmony-not being proven right-is your primary aim. The
issues will resolve themselves once harmony is reestablished.) ...etc.